This is me, letting my guard down for just a sec.

I've struggled with my weight just about my entire life.

With a disease that suppresses my immune system and attacks my digestive system, it's tough. I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease at age 9. I was about 20-30 pounds underweight and I didn't look right standing next to my "chubbier" friends.



Obviously my mom figured out that something wasn't right with me; rushing for the bathroom after putting barely a bite of food in my mouth was not exactly normal. So, I was admitted into UNC Children's Hospital, and promptly put on steroids.

Yep. Steroids.

This type of steroid that I was put on wasn't like what you're thinking - it was to targeted towards reducing the amount of inflammation in my intestines, but as a nasty side affect, it gave me moon-face (unfortunately I don't have photos of that.. darn..) and made me gain a ridiculous amount of weight.

This was where my body dysmorphism started.



I was clearly a little heavier than I should've been for my age, and at that point I had been in and out of the hospital and was off and on steroids. Finally, by my Sophomore year, I decided I would do something about it. I started "dieting" (I honestly don't remember eating all that healthy, but that was where I started counting calories and such) and I was playing softball on a regular basis. I lost about 20-30 pounds and I was soooo proud of myself. Unfortunately, I ended up in a flare (got sick again) and was hospitalized yet again. So, it made me wonder, did I lose weight from all that hard work and exercise or was it just my body attacking itself again?



I thought I looked really good. I was at my ideal weight! People were actually commenting on my weight loss! But, needless to say, it was definitely a discouragement thinking that it might not have been from eating 'healthy' and exercising alone. Anyways, back to the hospital I went, and the only way to make me better would be to put me back on steroids. I flat out REFUSED. But, being under my mother's roof at the time, I had no choice. She knew how hard this was for me, I was hysterical because I didn't want to be 'fat' again. I was fine with the way I was!


(teenage version of "moonface"..)

I somehow got back to "normal" but I was still a little heavy. Still never satisfied with how I looked because I could never be as skinny as the girls around me. Steroids gave me stretchmarks and thunder thighs, so I would never go out to the pool wearing a bikini or a wearing a swimsuit without shorts on over top.



Upon reaching senior year, I was healthy and steroid-free. But I was eating whatever I wanted (going off-campus for lunch 3-4 times a week), which led to poor eating habits later on down the road... Then I started college.



I started eating WHATEVER I wanted, WHENEVER I wanted, HOWEVER MUCH I wanted. I would go through an entire can of Pringles in one sitting. An entire bag of Cracker Jack. An entire serving of Guacamole, which amounted to 50g of fat IN ONE SITTING!! Tons of soda. Tons of Chick-Fil-A. Anything I could grab and go that would be easy to consume, I ate.



I've gained about 40 pounds since starting college. That ain't no freshman 15.

So... I decided about two weeks ago that I would stop telling myself I would do something about it, and ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING about it. I keep thinking about how I never want my photo taken anymore (when I clearly took photos of myself ALL THE TIME back when I was smaller), how I don't want to meet my boyfriend's friends because of what they might think of how I look, what my boyfriend thinks about what I look like, what I dream to look like on my wedding day (DEFINITELY not like this), and above all, going out in public and not have to think that people are avoiding looking at me because I'm so hideous.

So far I've lost about 4 pounds, which is definitely motivating, I just really really hope I can keep up with this. My health depends on it, and my future jobs depend on it, my future husband depends on it... my self-confidence depends on it.